Cleaning up!

I think I have hated her enough.
For 4 years, 2 months and 6 days I hated her.
I hated almost everything about her. Her abrupt laughter irritated me, the way she ate out of cans and plastic plates, and the fact that she had to watch those silly movies every night. Her sudden urge to scream when under stress. Her walk. Her fascination with rain. She was a different sort of girl.
“You are late again”, said Maya. She looked panicked because today was an important day for the company. They were going public today. All the hard work and endless hours of discussions finally boiled down to this one meeting.
I am Abhrita, 26, single and always late to work. My alarm sucks. I try everyday to sleep early and get to work on time. But, it never works out. I like watching television when I get home. I like watching movies, some of them have endings that I would like to have and some have endings like the baritone nature of my life. I liked reading myself to sleep and hearing the neighbours fight over spilt milk every night. Home is a dingy apartment tucked away amidst fancy sky reaching buildings. Home is 3 B, Niyon Apartments.
“Sorry I missed my bus, then these auto drivers always charge so much...”, but before I could finish. Maya waved her hand in panic and said, “I have no time for this now Abhi, get to work, presentation is in 20 minutes.” She sounded so official. She isn’t like this always, infact she likes me a lot. When I came to this city 3 years back, she was the first person I found friendly in the entire city. We go for dance classes together, there she tells me all about an affair she is having with her college friend Kishore. She was lucky; she had two men in her life. On the other hand, there is poor old me, still waiting for some guy to come along and polish my faded stars.
I have to get back to work now.
Maya slammed the door of her cabin as she entered. She found Shayan in her cabin, waiting for her, like always, on time. “I hate it when she does this; she knows she had to be here early so we can prepare for the meeting. I’m telling you Shayan, if she wasn’t good at what she does. I would have bid her farewell long back.”
Shayan tried to calm her and passed her a glass of water. “ C’mon, Maya, you don’t mean that, just sit down and relax a bit. She has shown you her work, she is prepared.”
Maya didn’t seem convinced. She continued to leaf through her pale yellow file. She had been carrying that for years now. It had a coffee stain and a tear at the edge. But she seemed to like it a lot. She was not herself today. She looked very pale herself. Shayan was walking out when he turned around and asked her, “Is everything ok, Maya, you seem way too nervous this morning.”
Maya felt a little awkward, “I am fine, thank you, just nervous about today”
“We are ready for these guys, Maya, you know it,” said, Shayan, beaming with pride. As he walked out Maya sat down heaving a deep sigh, clenching her abdomen.
What am I going to do? How could I have been so foolish? Didn’t I take the pills on time?
Shayan was heading out to his cabin, he crossed Abhirata’s cabin and found her busy sorting out a pile of papers on her desk. He walked up to her and said a quick hello. She just waved her hand and said a quick, “Later”
Shayan smiled.
The meeting was a success. The meeting ended with Abhirata’s presentation and it was perfect as always. She had everything done to suit her audience. Maya had done her makeup today so she looked a tad bit better. Her hand movements across the screen clearly showed that she was a dancer. She might not look elegant as Maya, but her movements were gracious. She had a certain something.
Abhrita switched the screen off and looked over to Shayan and winked.
Everyone at the office knew, Shayan had a “thing” for her, all except Abhi herself.
This office party was different, there was alcohol. There was never alcohol before. The reason was quite obvious; they could afford to splurge now that the deal had come through. They were shifting to a bigger office now.
“Abhi aren’t you drinking anything, it’s free “, chuckled Kim. Abhi didn’t like drinking, she recalled the last time she got drunk and ended up feeling nauseous and sick. Kim was strange; she loved wearing chunky earrings that never matched her clothes. She was an “American return”, so she had all the airs of the land, she still lived her American Dream. But, deep down she was a sweet-heart and Abhi loved spending time with her. “Let’s get outta here Kim!” cried Abhi. Kim was trying her hand at the new intern, she knew he was too young for her but she continued flirting she considered it harmless. She was a nut. Kim didn’t look like she wanted to leave the party so Abhi decided she would head out on her own. Abhi was just leaving when Shayan spotted her; he ran behind her and caught her in the reception area. It was dark, except for the light coming from the office board that read “Carlton Advertising Solutions Ltd.” Shayan stepped forward and said “ Abhi I was wondering...” , but before he could finish she said in a hurry , “ Shayan switch on your phone I need some light I dropped my keys. Come on Hurry up.” Shayan took out his phone and noticed her in the blue light of his old phone.
She looked stunning, her makeup was running because she was sweating like a pig, but she looked amazing to me and in that brief moment I imagined being with her forever. It was probably the blue light.
Back to reality now, she was not going to fall for him, Shayan thought. Before he could muster up the courage to speak to her, Abhi had picked up her key and headed for the lift.
Shayan stood frozen. This was the third time he had, had the opportunity to talk to her and he let it go. He looked back at the bustling party and all he could see was half-drunken faces that were trying to grapple in a meaningless existence. He closed his eyes and saw her face fresh and bright. Her eyes had smudged kohl and the lipstick had been wiped away as always. Her earrings were shining giving her tiny ears something to be happy about. Her plain white kurta with little flowers and an ink stain on the right arm. He noticed her well all right. She didn’t have anything fussy about her. She was quite plain served with a pinch of surprise here and there.
He knew she was going back to her apartment and his last chance was giving her a ride to her house. As he walked down the stairs he hoped he had enough petrol, he cursed himself for not having filled it that morning. He rushed to the entrance of the building and asked her if wanted a ride. She agreed. His life was made. He pulled out his bike from the office parking lot, thanking God that he was to finally get her to be with him, literally not metaphorically. “You still have this bike?” said Abhi as she hoped on behind him and put her arms on his shoulders. She had no idea how hard Shayan’s heart was pounding. “ Ya, I would never give up on her.” said a smiling Shayan. Thanks to her you are sitting behind me and not next to me, nothing to separate us, not even a silly gear-box.
She was quiet all through the ride, except for the occasional times when she was trying to direct him to her house. “The night lights look lovely don’t you think.” Shayan finally said. He was trying so hard to muster up the courage to tell her what he felt and Abhi could feel his muscles on his shoulder tighten as he moved a little under her hands. “Something wrong?” she asked. He nodded a no and focussed on the road while his mind was busy trying to think of ways of broaching the subject of maybe a dinner or movie. Casual. No strings attached.
Enough. Enough now. “So Abhi, what plans for the weekend?”,he said. “Nothing really, catch a movie or something, what about you?” she said, trying to grab her hair that was acting wild with the wind blowing so hard on her face. “No plans at all, I wouldn’t mind a movie, been a long-time since I went to the theatres. Any good ones running?” Shayan asked. “I think Jodhaa-Akbar is on” said Abhi. “Oh really, wanna go together? It’s awfully boring to watch a movie alone.” said Shayan, while he looked at Abhi in his bike mirror. “ Stop!” , she cried.
Oh my god! It was just a movie, maybe I was too fast. She must think I am so cheap. Shayan was suffering from the classic male-panicking syndrome.
“Whats wrong?”
“Nothing. This is my house silly.” said Abhi smiling, looking radiant in the street light next to her.
That’s it. We are here already. But why couldn’t they have got caught at horrible signals and maybe even run out of petrol.

“Ok then Goodnight Abhi.” said a heartbroken Shayan.
“But aren’t u coming up?” said Abhi.
His heart missed a beat.
Wow! This is brilliant. I did a little dance in his head. Maybe she has liked me too all along. Ok I can’t look too desperate now. “Up?”
“Yes! Fish Brain! How can you forget so fast, don’t you want to check the newspaper and decide what movie to watch this weekend.” asked Abhi.
"Oh right! Sure." With a silly grin on his face he parked his bike and followed her up the dingy stairs.
Her house was a mess. Mine looked like a hotel compared to hers. She cleared some papers, books and plates from the little couch and made space for me to sit. She hurried into her room to change. “Help yourself to anything you want, I think there is some juice in the fridge.” said Abhi just before she rushed into her room.
He walked to the little fridge in the kitchen and picked up a glass. Her sink was empty and the kitchen looked fairly clean compared to her drawing room. She clearly didn’t cook much in here decided Shayan.
She emerged from her room dressed in a t-shirt that said Goofy and shorts.
She looked like a little school boy with her hair tied up in a bun. So did you have a look at it. What do you think? She asked.
"It’s clean, small and looked unused."
What?
“Your kitchen.”
“Oh my god! I meant the newspaper you nut. I was asking you which movie you wanted to see.” said Abhi, laughing.
I prayed for a earthquake. Why was trying so hard. Chill Shay just chill. She laughed.
I laughed with her. Suddenly the quiet night seemed to come alive.
That night was magical I ended up staying over the whole night. One thing led to another and by 2 am we were swapping our childhood stories. I hadn’t laughed like that in ages. She told me all about how her father was a chef and she ate at the best restaurants in the country. Her mother had died when she was five so she had no memories of her. She spoke very little about her.
It was 5 and we watched the sun rise, it was summer so the sun was out early. It was a pretty sight from her little balcony on the fifth floor. She passed me a mug of steaming coffee while I told her about how I hated my job and wanted to quit.
“What's keeping you then?” asked Abhi.

What was keeping me from leaving I thought.
“I don’t know really, I am just waiting for the right opportunity to leave. I like working for Maya, but the work is not fulfilling.” said Shayan
She nodded.
“It’s getting late I should probably head home now. I shall see you at work.” said Shayan.
He went home that day at 6 am. That was a first. But something else was different he was smiling for the first time walking into his house.
He decided to go in late that day. He went in at 11 am and found Abhi already at work discussing the new project with Kim. She looked tired. It was probably the night.
The day was hectic. The new project was top priority for the office so everyone had to work hard to it right. The two didn’t get time to meet or even share a word. All Abhi said to Shayan the whole day was “Hey, my fax machine isn’t working can you just send this to the Delhi office.” He immediately did what she asked him to do. He was leaving office when he heard a loud laughter, it was her of course. No one laughed that loud around here. He saw her talking to Kim. She walked out with Kim without saying a word.
What’s wrong with her? Why didn’t she even confirm on the movie plan tomorrow.
Irritated he rode rashly that day on his way back home and almost knocked a guy on a cycle.
He walked in home threw his bag and went for a shower. He came out and headed to the kitchen to eat something. His phone rang. He hoped it would be her. It was Airtel.
Irritated he threw his phone without checking it.
After dinner he watched Chelsea kick Arsenal left, right and centre. It was probably the worst thing for him- a die-hard Arsenal fan. He headed to his bed decided he needed the sleep since he barely got a wink last night.
He looked for his phone to set an alarm for the next day and he noticed he had 2 messages. It was her. It said.
Hey! Crazy day huh? Anyway so the movie plan is still on right? I shall meet you at the theatre at 12. Don’t be late, I hate missing the start.
The next one said.
Oh and goodnight!
That was so adorable. He quickly sent her messages confirming the plan and also a good night.
So they met. Watched a 4 hour long movie and spent another three in a coffee shop discussing it. Realised it was too late and went on to have dinner.
It continued... and then they kept meeting. Random meetings turned into affection and ofcourse lots of conversations.
It was 3 years since that night Shayan gave Abhi a ride back home.
Shayan moved in with Abhi and they managed to clean her apartment out and it looked great.
The seasons changed. The roads remained. The destinations changed. They were locked in something. Define it? asked their friends. They never could.
Then one day it vanished. He lost his little key to honey coloured dreams.
He woke up late that day. It was a Sunday and he didn’t have to rush to work. He called out to Abhi as she washed the clothes. He could hear the second-hand washing machine she refused to dispose.
She walked in with a mug of coffee. She always won the battles with that coffee of hers.
“You know what I was thinking. Maybe we should get married.” said Shayan.
Abhi looked shocked like she had seen an alien from Mars. She muttered a quick ,“ What?”
“The neighbours are complaining that we don’t have a legal bond”
"So you want to marry me because of the neighbours?
"No, I want to marry you because I...”
She picked up her hand bag and walked to the hall.
She couldn’t hear him. Maybe she didn’t want to hear him.
She planned to go visit her relatives for the weekend like she did every month and Shayan was planning on spending time with Ravi, his younger brother who just got back from college.
She packed her clothes and left. He thought he would talk to her later. There was no need to rush. But, the house was empty, quiet and horrid without her.
Down on the street, Abhi found a cab and headed to the station. She was crying.
I can’t do this much longer I will have to eventually tell him someday. Maybe it’s time.
She walked up the stairs of the white building. As the doors opened it had that awful smell and she tried not to breathe through her nose in an attempt to prevent the vulgar smell from entering her.
She headed to the last room on the floor. She knocked but expected no one to answer. She placed her bags next to the tiny cot and sat beside the bed.
“ Hi! Daddy, its your little girl. I have something very special for you today. I will read to you about the latest in Kashmiri cuisine. I got this book only yesterday. It has some lovely pictures”
Her father faintly smiled.
She read a couple of recipes and then watched him sleep.
She ordered for a simple meal and wrote in her little diary that night.
I must tell him. It can get too complicated.
She walked to the nurse checked as always if her father was making any improvement and if he needed anything. As always she said he was fine and there was nothing to be done but wait.
Wait. It was such a horrid word. Something that had torn her life apart. As a child she waited to be cuddled, told stories, fussed over.
She was a happy child. But never satisfied.
Her father loved her immensely and took her with him wherever he went but over the years he found his work taking up most of his times and she had to eventually go to boarding school and then find a job and live on her own. And then he slipped.. he was in the 'home' now.
She liked being a mess. It was a reassuring feeling to be alone and to love it. She enjoyed freedom in a strange way. In that dingy apartment she found comfort. Her movies kept her company. She worked too hard to have a life otherwise. She was caught in a cycle, a repeat telecast of her favourite motion picture.
She walked home from the bus stop; she took the bus after a long time that day. She liked watching the city buzz with life as she sat in her seat at the back feeling a little dizzy because the bus driver drove like it was a track race.
In that moment she knew she had to end it. It was time.
She walked into her dark apartment, she felt strange since they always left the yellow light by the door on. She struggled in with her bags and called out for Shayan but it was met with silence. Clang! She had knocked over something in and frantically looked for the switch board. She was sweating and felt nervous in a weird way. She felt her way to the ground to see what she had broken and her left hand reached for the switches.
The lights came on and in her hand was a small box.
She opened the brown box and found a note that said.
I want to spend the rest of my life being tortured and turned insane by that smile you throw at me every time we fight. I want to wake up to your coffee everyday and go to bed listening to you breathe. These past two years have been everything I had never known I wanted.
She was obviously crying by now. (I know your heart is melting well so is mine)
She picked up the box and there was a photograph of the first sunrise they had watched together, the bill of the hotel room at Goa and the matching key chains that read Fishie and Wackie.
She kept the box down and wept like a baby.
This was just like the movies, but she could not believe it when it was happening to her. It was too good to be true. He was her best friend and lover. She couldn’t have thought of a better man to spend her life with.
She had a bath and waited for him all evening. She knew he was coming home late since he had to drop his brother at the airport. The sound of the lock opening startled her at 11 pm, she jumped of f her bed and checked herself in the mirror.She had been crying. She walked into the hall very calm.
Shayan stepped forward and asked her “So Abhi did you get the box, what do you think? I had to do it, I figured that the last time I said it I wasn’t right."
He was smiling and trying hard to control his excitement. She hated how much she loved his silly smile.
“Hmm.. Why don’t you sit down Shayan and we can talk about this.” Abhi said walking towards to sofa. Shayan saw that look on her face and he knew it wasn’t good.
“Sure Abhi come sit tell me now.” He managed to say it without sounding too scared.
So they spoke and she told him how she didn’t want to marry him because she thought it would ruin their relationship. She was trying her best to convince him otherwise and he seemed to want to cling on to the marriage idea.
Finally she gave up and went to sleep leaving Shayan in the room.
The next morning she was gone even before he woke up. She messaged him later in the day saying.
I am staying with Maya for a few days. She needs me.
He felt like he an uneasy feeling in his stomach. He felt like he had hit a wall.
What did she want from me? Why does always have to run away? I cant believe she is freaking out about the marriage thing. She always knew we were heading towards it eventually. Besides it was never going to change anything about how they felt and what they wanted from life. She should know that about him by now.
He sent her message that was short, simple and direct :
There is no point running away and hiding like this. I think our relationship deserves to be treated with a little more respect. I know you hate this as much as I am. So, just come back to me we can talk and sort it out.
She didn’t reply to him all day. He called her several times and she didn’t answer.
The next day both Maya and Abhi didn’t come to work. They both called in saying they were sick and were taking some time off.
That day Shayan hated his job more than ever. He couldn’t bear to sit there and work while his mind was trying to wonder why Abhi couldn’t talk to him. He left work early that day and headed home in the hope that she might be there.
She wasn’t there and the empty apartment made his loneliness seem worse. So he headed out to the little Goya Park near the market where he and Abhi would go after dinner for a lazy walk sometimes. He found a little bench by a dim street light and he sat there while he watched little kids playing and parents calling out to them to go home.
He thought about the first time they had come to that park. He remembered it quiet clearly. He had eaten a heavy dinner and his stomach felt like it would burst open so he lay in bed cribbing about it. Abhi pulled him up and forced him to take a walk with her. That’s the first day they had come to that park. It wasn’t much of a park really. Just a little green patch here and there, a few cement benches and a kid’s playground. He remembered how she would have to buy a kulfi if she heard the vendor coming ringing his little bell.
She never came back after that. She called a couple of times and tried explaining to him that she couldn’t come back to him. She said something about moving out to a different house and a few days later she packed her stuff and was gone.
The apartment was of course dead without her. She left work and moved on I suppose. The occasional calls and messages reduced overtime.
They finally lost touch, although he had heard from friends that she had joined a art school and was teaching dance.
The day he heard she was dancing again. He was pleased and went out to have a drink. He went to a well-known pub and had a few drinks. He thought of all the good times they had shared.
He was about to finish his 4th drink when someone tapped him on his shoulders.
It was Maya.
“ Hey! Long time, How’ve u been?” said Maya, she looked stunning and very happy.
“ I am ok, just a little drunk at the moment.” said a very embarrassed Shayan.
“ Oh! How is Abhrita letting you drink like this? Where is she anyway?”
“ Um.. Don’t you know we broke up the week you quit work”
"What? How come? What happened? "
"I don’t know actually, she tried explaining it to me but the thing is I don’t know."
"Oh my god! I am surprised she didn’t tell me. Well I don’t blame her. I was such a mess myself. Actually I can tell you now. The thing is...well I was pregnant and needed an abortion badly."
Shayan looked shocked and he gasped “ What?”
"Yes the thing is the baby was not my husbands or rather ex-husbands, it was Kishore’s. My lover. My husband now." Maya was smiling.

“ Wow! Congrats, although I am sorry about the baby.”
"Oh no the baby is fine. She is at her grandmothers tonight so Kishore and me came out for a quick drink."
“ Oh thats lovely”
"You know, I would have never been able to leave my ex-husband or for that matter have Kima if Abhi hadn’t been with me that week. She was supportive and she made me realise how foolish I was being. Then things got better and I finally told my ex-husband about Kishore and the baby. He divorced me the next minute ofcourse and I was finally with Kishore. But most importantly I was happy. I began to believe in marriage again. Anyway enough about me. What happened to you two? How is Abhi? And her dad? Is he still at the home?"
Shayan was speechless.
He just walked out while Maya kept shouting out his name.
He called all her friends up that night and finally found out where she lived. He went home and had a shower cause he knew he couldn’t look drunk when he met her. He found her house and was glad to see a light on in the house. He rang the bell thrice and finally the door opened and a little girl opened it.
“Who is it Shabi?”
"What’s your name mister? Who do you want?"
Abhi cried out again and this time her voice was coming closer.
She stopped for a moment when she saw Shayan. Then she walked towards him and asked him to sit down.
“Shabi, it’s getting late. It’s time to sleep.”
The little girl smiled at Shayan and insisted that Abhi put her to sleep. She excused herself and left to put the little girl to bed.
Shayan was left puzzled and he didn’t know what to make of all this. She was married and had a child? But the child was too big to be hers.
The house looked like a mess. There were plastic plates and cans on the dining table. She was eating out again. Poor child was too.. he thought.
She came back and they spoke. He told her how he had met Maya and she had told him about Kishore and the baby. He then asked her about her father and she tried explaining to him how she didn’t want to burden him with her problems.
Shayan looked frustrated, “Your problems?”
“Well there was just too much to handle. That weekend when I told you I was going to my relatives. I was actually with my Dad and I tried talking to him. He has Alzheimer’s, its slow death.” Said Abhi looking really sad.
“And Shabi?”
"She is my step-sister."
Shayan almost dropped his jaws
"I didn’t know about her till that weekend. I had just received a call from a very close friend of my fathers and he told me about Shabi. My father had met Shabi’s mother while he was working at Shimla. Her mother died in an accident. She was too little when I found her so she doesn’t know anything yet. I am waiting for her to become a bit more mature to explain everything. "
"Oh my god! Abhi why didn’t you tell me?"
"Because I knew you would be the sweet guy you are and accept me and still want to marry me.
"And how is that a bad thing."
"Well because I don’t think it’s right to put you through all this. You just asked for a wife and I was offering you a child and a sick father. "
Shayan was speechless
He was mad. He hated her for being so stubborn. For assuming his responses and his thoughts. But most of all for making the awful decision for both of them, herself.
I think I have hated her enough.
For 4 years, 2 months and 6 days I hated her.
I hated almost everything about her. Her abrupt laughter irritated me, the way she ate out of cans and plastic plates, and the fact that she had to watch those silly movies every night. Her sudden urge to scream when under stress. Her walk. Her fascination with rain. She was a different sort of girl. She never let anyone come too close to her so she wouldnt be hurt. She never let anyone help.
He was just going to open his mouth to speak when the phone rang and she excused herself and went to answer it.
When she came back to the hall.
Shayan looked at her and said “ Listen Abhi, I want you to know...”
"Not now Shayan. You need to leave now."
She was doing it again. Yet again.
He left her apartment but waited outside. He followed her.
She was going to the hospital. Her father was suffering from a seizer. That night at 12.30 am he breathed his last. There was a solemn funeral the next day.

The funeral lunch was a week later and he stood at the last row waiting for the guests to leave.
He watched Abhi broken. He wanted to leave her but he couldn’t. He knew that it was best to give her some space. But he couldn’t. He decided he would wait another day or two and then give her a call.
He was just stepping out when Shabi came running to him and said, “ Mister, Are you leaving?”
Shayan nodded a yes and the two got chatting.
Shayan smiled. Shabi was such a pretty child.
Abhi was looking around for Shabi and she saw her play with Shayan.
She called for Shabi. Shayan looked a little awkward and mumbled “ I was just leaving. Take care.”
He turned around but Abhi caught his hands and said “But won’t you help me cleanup”